Happy 5th birthday Amora!
It’s been 5years and everything is still exactly how I left it. I haven’t spoken about you. At first, I felt like I didn’t need to since everyone that should know about you, already do. But that wasn’t the honest reason, it was because I wasn’t strong enough to, and it became more clear when I brought out my journal today. I had written in it every single day since your birth, I was going to read it to you when you grew older, to tell you how much of a fighter you were. Your aunties nicknamed you “tough cookie”. Since your last day, I shut the journal and kept it very far away from me. I promised myself sometime ago, that on your fifth birthday I’d talk about you again and READ THE JOURNAL. Few days leading up to today, I started to feel nervous and I almost didn’t keep my promise. I had to find the strength because I didn’t want to let you down. I brought out the journal and as I expected, it brought tears to my eyes again. I tried baby, but it’s so hard to read. I glanced through the last pages and I broke down. I saw a few lines and remembered the 30th of January 2013. How I held you in my arms while you took your last breath and “kicked”, I was still rocking you and singing to you, and your doctor seeing as I wasn’t accepting it, came closer trying to explain what was happening, I raised my head and took a quick look at everyone standing in the room and continued rocking you, he asked again, “Tolu, I hope you know what this means? Tolu, she has no heartbeat”, all I kept saying to him as I shook my head was “no no no no no…” then the nurses tried to take you from me and I started calling out your name “Amora! Amora! Amora!! Jesus pls Amora pls God pls wake up!!”
I haven’t cried about you in a very long time, I haven’t looked at any of your pictures, I never opened your boxes of clothes and toys, I never went back to the envelope and Ziploc of all your things that I was given by your nurses, and I never read my journal about you. I’m sorry!
I miss you so much, I’ve never said this out loud, I miss you so much Amora. I love you to the ends of the earth. You’re 5 today. Wow my baby girl. I’m crying so much right now and I’m so happy about it, I’m crying and smiling its so weird. Oh the big 5! Darling, how I would have celebrated your birthday today, I would have dressed you in a huge ball gown and we’d wear matching tiaras. You know we would have been the best of friends, my twin that came 21 years after me. But there’s nothing I could do that would compare to the massive party you’re having today in Heaven.
No matter how short a time it was, I’m so blessed to have held you in my arms and called you mine. Happy birthday my Angel in Heaven #Iamamothertoanangel
Thank you Jesus for everything!